With no ideas for this weeks blog being forthcoming, I distracted myself with getting started on the new page of my website which will be a bookshelf of my favourite books that I recommend you all read. This then took me down a rabbit hole of realising that whenever I recommend or share a book, people tend to go and buy it, so why aren't I earning a little from that...cue an Amazon associate account rabbit hole and still no Thursday Blog written!
Thing is, in truth all I've done is distract myself with some good old healthy toxic productivity. Boom! There it is. That is what today's blog is about. See, sometimes you just have to start writing something to find out where you are heading. Last night one of my best friends called me. I've been having a pretty tough time over the past week- 10 days with my mental health and after a live video on my page, he messaged me concerned about my energy being very subdued. We (I) skirted around many subjects over the 3 hours we were on the phone and there were A LOT of tears from my end, but what it came down to was that I've been hiding from myself.
The big C word of 2020 (Covid-19)
When the Covid-19 restrictions came into play I felt really anxious about it but also felt more in control. It seems like such a long time ago now, but I remember feeling a wave of relief wash over me when the schools and colleges closed and I went from needing to worry about 3 people bringing the virus into our house, down to just my husband being out at work. To be clear, catching the virus myself was never my concern. Instead, my concern was for one of my children who has complex medical issues that are directly affected by any virus or bug that he catches.
When the virus did eventually end up in our house and I showed symptoms (thanks husband haha) another wave of relief hit as the hubster was told to self-isolate and was then eventually furloughed and that child I had spent weeks panicking about and having nightmares about him dying? Showed ZERO symptoms at all with everyone else in our house having symptoms so mild it was of no concern. So, with the relief of being here together and everyone being 'safe' and having seemingly had the virus and all remaining well, it was easy for me to drop into my work.
And my word did I drop into it! I was constantly online, in zoom meetings, creating events, supporting others, posting all over social media, setting up group coaching, group healing, masterclasses, talking with people on messenger into the early hours, completely overhauling my website, moving my courses over to my website so I could finally have everything under one roof. I was making the best of this time, determined to use having 2 parents in the house wisely to get done all of those things I never get time for, as a home educating family. I had started doing something I haven't done or ever wanted to do in my life to date, work 7 days a week with absolutely zero boundaries on my time and energy.
I had been super productive in this time though, so what's the problem right? The problem comes when you are being productive to ignore and hide from the stuff that is really going on for you.
I had made myself really busy, meaning I couldn't find the time to go out for daily walks.
I had made myself really busy, meaning I didn't have the time to sit with my anxiety about having a reduced income with 6 mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay.
I had made myself busy, meaning I couldn't find the space to be present with the overwhelm of the changes in our household. Instead I made a timetable and laminated everything and gave it to the husband to implement because ya know, I was too busy working.
Ugly crying ain't pretty but it's needed
The revelation came last night when after ranting and crying through everything I've decided is wrong with the world right now to my friend, that I noticed I was blaming everyone else for my own fears, overwhelm and anxiety. The realisation came when he simply said to me 'How about you and Pete drive out to the water and just spend some time being, away from the kids and work?'. I burst into tears with the overwhelming anxiety that I felt from his suggestion. At that moment I realised I have been sat in a bucket full of paralysing fear & that it wasn't from others. It wasn't from me being an empath and picking up on others anxiety, it wasn't from others projecting their shit. This was all mine and it was time to own it.
I'd unconsciously opted for some good old toxic productivity and a great big dose of projection and was being a total hypocrite on top, to everyone I've been supporting and helping.
Its fear that has been held for 12 years that I am going to do something wrong or miss something and my son is going to die as a result.
It's fear that comes from not really knowing the truth behind all the smoke and mirrors of politics.
It's fear that I don't know how long we will be okay on the money we have coming in right now.
It's fear that I will do something that puts someone else in danger.
It's all the fears we naturally hold as human beings in the world we experience on a normal day, but on a bad acid trip thanks to the added bonus of those fears being EVERYWHERE you look right now.
Those fears are on the radio, on the tv, on social media, the news, the conversations you overhear, the signage everywhere you go. And it works so well because those fears already exist within us all in various forms. For many people they aren't consciously aware of those deeper rooted fears, it's just programming leftover from original designs that meant we as a species have survived long enough to have evolved into what we are today.
Even with my years of healing work, self-development and spiritual growth, I couldn't see it. It was so deeply entwined into doing and supporting and helping, that it just wasn't in my awareness, which is why having trusted confidants and friends and mentors is essential.
I can't apologise to you all for not walking the talk when I wasn't aware I wasn't walking it, but what I can do is recognise it now and choose how I will move forward and not hold judgement on myself for not knowing what I didn't know. I hope you are able to do the same for yourself too if this blog is resonating with you and how you are feeling.
So what am I going to do?
The first thing I'm doing is taking the bank holiday weekend off. But I'm also taking the next 2 weeks off as well. I need to reset lots of stuff, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
I'm resetting my working days back to what they are supposed to be for me.
I'm taking my family out daily for a walk, even if that means at sunset to avoid other people.
I'm going to reconnect with my babies.
I'm turning my phone off at 9 pm every night.
I'm resetting my sleep pattern.
I'm spending time with my family instead of hiding in my office.
I'm gonna sunbathe!
I'm going to work to clear my energy of the excess fear and anxiety that has built up within it.
I owe myself this time to realign to what is right for me, what is my normal and in turn so that I can do my best for everyone who I work with too and I ask that if this blog has hit you in the ouch 'I'm doing this too', that you find the right ways for you to realign back to yourself as well.