Change

Change is the only constant and yet we struggle against it immensely. Seriously, what's that about?




As many of you know, I took a few weeks off recently and I am kind of back to work / kind of not. It's a weird sort of limbo that I am existing in currently. My husband was made redundant during my time off and as his job is the main income for our household it caused me to look at my business in a different light.


Thankfully hes had no shortage of interviews and hes in the process of accepting a new position in another company, one which will provide him with the progression hes been looking for in recent years and who seem to be a great company so far. Celebrations and crisis covered right?


Well not quite. For anyone who knows an engineer, you will know that standardised 9-5 Monday to Friday work is not generally a thing in this arena. We've been fortunate in the past 5 years that his work has meant hes been around more in the evenings and weekends, but that's more of an exception to the engineering rule.


This new employment will see daily commutes to London being the norm again, with the potential of being gone before the rest of the house wakes and home after the family dinners (that are a staple in our house) are over being a real possibility. Change. It's a thing.


It's a thing that will affect how my business runs and how I continue to show up in my business and there is an innate helplessness that runs deep within me right now, as I cannot know how that will look until its happening.


Within all of this I've also been deep diving further into my anti racism work, looking at the cultural appropriation, non diverse, non equitable, bullying and harmful systems that are rife in the spiritual, wellness and anti diet community that I am a part of and am complicit in.


It runs deep my friends, from the thoughts I think, the classes I teach, the clothes I wear, the food I eat. At times I've considered just closing down as that would feel way easier than trying to fix where I've gone wrong. But heres the thing. That's the easy way out, the advantaged route and it goes against all that I teach.


I say this quote so often it may as well be tattooed on my head but- When you know better, you do better. (Maya Angelou) and so I am making changes. Small steps to lead to big changes in how I view the world, the human community, my own life, my work and my actions and deeds. I'm participating in daily unlearning, daily education, daily self exploration and listening to fellow humans who wish to share their experiences and life, no matter the discomfort.


And as something hits home I sit and explore and choose what I want to do. For example, I have changed my pricing to include a 25% concession for any and all marginalised identities. I've made paying by cash and other means easier, I'm working through the book Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad for my own personal unlearning, I'm decolonising my bookshelf and I'm looking at which of my practices and those I teach, have been appropriated instead of appreciated and choosing what I want to do about that. I also attended an amazing town hall with Rachel Rodgers for small businesses of which I am then taking small actions to know better and do better as a small business in the very very white world of spiritual and wellness practice in the UK.


I am no further ahead than anyone else and it's taken my over 30 years to recognise and understand that I live in a world designed to benefit me above others, it's going to take me the rest of my life to keep learning, unlearning and changing, there is no quick fix, this is the long game. The language in my work reflects those benefits and is one reason why until recently the majority of my clients have been UK born white British too.


It's a lot! All within a pandemic too. A pandemic with risk to one of my children, redundancy, my own changing feelings about my work, experiencing burn out, the changes my husbands new job will bring, anti racism work, owning my benefits and privileges, making changes to my work, choosing to step up to those changes instead of close down...


It's a lot. And it's okay to say it's a lot. Because change can be uncomfortable and resistive and icky, but change we must. So many people in our communities have been watching the world change without them. Forgotten as the 'others' that dont fit an unrealistic and unfactual norm that only exists because white, able bodied, cis gender people created and enforced it.


And as a white cis gender able bodie